Danielle, aka Hoshichan. Writer and 
After a lengthy conversation with a friend today, I feel like I’ve been kneecapped by God, in a spiritual sense. “Convicted”, I suppose, is the conventional term. Yes I’ve been faithful, yes I try my best to be Godly… but have I shown myself publicly? No, not really. My testimony is closely guarded, I almost never share it. I feel almost paralyzed at the thought, such is the wave of vulnerability that rises up when I think of it. What will people think? What will people think… if I say what I believe? Is that really so scary? What will people think of me if I don’t?
My family was never spiritual, my mother subscribes to several “New Age” beliefs, Rosicrucianism being one of them. My family was burned painfully by my born-again Baptist uncle, and as a result, saying what I believe in is sortof like pulling teeth, with me. Actually, on second thought, here — feel free to pull my teeth.
When I became a Christian, I lost most of my friends. I doubt it was because I was suddenly, intolerably “holy” or anything — they’d just known me before, it was a sudden change (over Christmas, 1996) and I think they didn’t know what to make of me. They’d seen me doubt just about everything, and while certainly not an atheist, I definitely fell into the general agnostic grey area. I didn’t know what I believed in, but I’d seen a lot of crazy cults and things (mostly while cashiering for my mom’s booth at Whole Life Expos) and I knew what I didn’t subscribe to. I figured I’d know it when I saw it.
Funnily enough, the only thing I hadn’t really experienced at all was true Christianity. I’m not talking about the play-nice-on-Sundays kind (those people that always cut me off on the freeway, for instance) — I’m talking about people that really try to reach out to others, that stand by their beliefs but don’t judge and condemn. I thought that’s all there was to Christians, but when I was reached out to by my then-boyfriend (now husband), I was proved wrong. I was nervous and I didn’t fit in well with my first church, but God led me to places that were nurturing, and I felt certain, when I met Him, that this was the belief I’d been saving myself up for.
Unfortunately, with all the instant weirdness I experienced between myself and most of my friends, the constant conflict (at first) with my mother, and internal struggling for years to reconcile opinions and beliefs within myself, it’s pretty hard to share my faith with anyone. I’m not afraid of being disagreed with, as such; it won’t shatter me or anything. It’s more that I’ve spent so much time trying to have a minimal impact on my family, and later my friends, that I think it’s kind of stuck. I’ve crippled my ability to share, I think, except with my closest friends.
Normally I’m a pretty private person (says the person blogging all this, sheesh), but right now I’m feeling so convicted that I can’t stand but to say this all in public. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know if I should reach out to a friend that my other friend is concerned about — we’ve been friends (again) for years now, and I can honestly say that the subject of religion has never come up. Ever. I know she used to be Wiccan, she used to be a lot of things. So did I, although not to the same degree. I let all sorts of things tell me what to do: horoscopes, little cards with pictures on them, little stones with symbols… silly, really, thinking about it now. Why did I listen to a glazed piece of pottery?
So.
I’m a Christian, not necessarily a good one, and certainly not a perfect one, because hello all you people out there, nobody is perfect. CANNOT be done. Stop trying, plzkthx. I’ve had a lot of very personal, intimate spiritual experiences with God, which not only can I not describe here, but most of the time I can’t even describe them to my husband and my very best friend, who has just as many experiences herself. There are many things in this world that words simply cannot describe or express, and that’s coming from someone who fancies herself a writer.
I have a lot of faith. I have a lot of stories I can tell, and probably should be telling. How God provided us with exactly the money we needed for rent every month, for six months, while we were out in North Carolina barely making it. How one month it was a long-overdue webdev check that came in. How the next month, it was our tax return, which came out to rent, all the late fees, and fifty cents. Rent and a very small tip.
I can talk about how God told me He’d change me, and how He has. How, all this time, despite failing in so many ways on all the habits I’ve tried to start since commencing depression treatment, He still keeps me up, still keeps money coming in, and still keeps my weight stable… even though I’m not exercising hardly at ALL. How He stopped me from biting my nails after 22 years at it. And how I haven’t bitten one since, in three years.
I can talk about how, as long as I take whatever leap of faith He asks me to, He blesses my efforts. How life improves with humbleness. How I find myself able to backflip through life’s challenges when I don’t feel an ounce of strength in me. And how I continue to walk forward, even under the most unforgiving circumstances.
I don’t know how to put the words, but all of this is brimming over in my heart, just now. For those of you reading who understand this feeling, I’m glad of your presence. I hope I haven’t grossly offended anyone. For those of you that don’t share my views, please be gentle. I feel like I’ve just disemboweled myself on the internet. Maybe I am an exhibitionist, after all. (Bleh.)
Here I am, realizing that I’ve had my lamp under a bowl all this time, and I am so, so very sorry for that. Light should shine out and be far-reaching. Not cower in the shadows for fear of causing offense or discomfort. I realize that now.
I’m sorry, internet. I’m sorry.
10 responses so far ↓
1 Kel // Jun 17, 2007 at 2:57 am
Now, I’m the first to say that I don’t really know where I fall when it comes to religion. My beliefs don’t exactly land on any spectrum I’ve found. But I get it, what you wrote here. I totally get it and I am so glad you have it in your life - and that you’ve shared it with all of us here. I know it takes a lot of courage to bare yourself on these subjects, and I feel - actually, I feel pretty darn honored that you gave me a glimpse into this part of you.
Thanks, hon. *hug*
2 AnnieC // Jun 17, 2007 at 3:16 am
You are an exhibitionist…an e-exhibitionist. ;) Don’t worry, we love it.
I am inspired, by your conviction. It is stunning how faith can work wonders.
3 Hoshichan // Jun 17, 2007 at 10:24 am
Kel: Thank you, you’ve no idea how much your comment means to me. :) It was hard, writing all this, but I’m glad I did! :)
Annie: Heh, true, big difference there. Far too much of a prude to be an offline exhibitionist. ;) Thanks for your thoughts, and your hugs over at DailyStrength! I’ll blog about that next, promise. ^^
4 Caroline // Jun 17, 2007 at 11:38 am
I didn’tt make a comment on your post about depression because I didn’t know what to say, but added with this one, it just really hit home. I live in a familly where everytime God or religion is mentioned, my mother laugh and always say something mean (’that’s bullshit’, ‘faith is ridiculous’ … and other very rude things) and I just want (need?) to tell her that, well, I’m stupid. I believe in God. And maybe I’ve searched all my life for a religion that would make me complete, that I haven’t found it, but I still believe in God, I’m still a deist. And I’d like to tell her that if she thinks I’m stupid for believing in Him… I just don’t care. But I do care and I just can’t tell her/the entire familly because it would be ankward and I do like my small and cozy closet. And *stops babbling*…
I just think that you are a very courageous, strong person… and when I read your blog it feels kind of good (at least, to me) to feel that hey, I’m not the only one. :)
(I’m totally joining DailyStrength)
5 Hoshichan // Jun 17, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Caroline: I COMPLETELY understand. As I was explaining to Lenneth last night, it’s only been very recently that my mom has stopped with the occasional spiritual jabs — and we can’t decide if she’s given up trying to “convert” me back to… whatever, or if she’s decided we’re not “so bad” as other Christians. I don’t know if I want to know the answer, there.
It took a knock-down, drag-out fight involving a lot of screaming between us (her: “Jesus is a great teacher!” me: “Jesus is MY LORD AND SAVIOR!!!”) to declare a “we just won’t talk about this anymore” truce. (Even then, I think she was afraid I wouldn’t speak to her anymore, and that’s why.)
I’m sorry you have such opposition from your parents, I know how rough that is. I’ve read some of your woes on LJ and I’m sorry for not commenting — like you, I just didn’t know what to say. :\
Thanks for reading, and be strong! You are NOT the only one, and feel free to chat/email/whatever with me ANY TIME, if you want to talk and commiserate!
6 gswd // Jun 17, 2007 at 7:21 pm
Many of your words, and comments of others, ring very clear to me. I was also born again due to the influence of another, my wife to be at that time. For me, it was a quiet conversion, at an Easter show that I attended with her and her mother. In fact, it was so quiet, I did not even tell them until months later.
Since we started dating, and living together, we had been attending church. Wasn’t “my kind of church”, but it was the church that she and her mother attended. A year after we were married, she asked me for a divorce. So yes, I am now totally messed up over that, and it has been nearly 20 years. It was after the divorce that I found out that my parents were concerned about my “change”.
Now, all these years later, while my family has never ostracized me for my faith, my mom has lately been reaching out to me on faith matters.
Lately, I have been watching the “Way of the Master” series, and have seen how it is possible to approach people in a non threatening way. It is still far outside of my comfort zone, but I do think that something similar is in my future.
I truly wish you the best, as you do show me the courage that I am still lacking in many areas. And, I hope you are enjoying the books.
7 Hoshichan // Jun 18, 2007 at 10:01 am
gswd: I’m sorry that happened to you (the sudden divorce, I mean.) I’ve found that sometimes people come together for a seemingly single purpose (in your case, salvation), and then break apart inexplicably afterwards.
I think my father came to a quiet acceptance of Johan and I’s beliefs, and while he doesn’t consider himself a “church person”, we share most of the same morals. I’m not sure the rest of my family will reach out to us for a while, as the parties in question are extremely convinced of their own opinions.
I wish you the best as well, and thanks for the books! If work ever lets up on me, I have The Memory of Earth on my nightstand, and hope to start it this week….
8 Brian // Jun 22, 2007 at 2:38 pm
I hesitated to comment on this post (hesitated for several days) because I felt it was much better without some sappy text composed by me tacked onto the end. But it’s too marvelous of a post to NOT make some sort of comment. So, right on, sister!
9 Hoshichan // Jun 22, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Brian: Thanks for commenting, I’m really pleased that you enjoyed my post. (Don’t blush, but you were one of the readers I’d *hoped* would comment. ;)
It’s hard being so honest and personal like this, but every time I make the effort, the response is so wonderful that it’s worth the emotional anguish of putting it forth, heh.
10 rob christianson // Jul 2, 2008 at 11:40 am
This is one of the best testimonies i’ve ever read because it so echos my own. Especially the friends and family issues. It made me sad that my friends seemed to have written me off the planet when i moved a few towns away, and got married without even letting me know (i found out thru Flickr - how impersonal!), and got into several debates with my mom when I took a stand on morality at a family reunion. I learned to not talk politics with my family too… we’re still cordial, but they know where I stand. So I really identify with the story about Jesus when the disciples say “Your mom and brothers want to see you” and Jesus says back “Who are my mother and brothers?” and gestures to his followers “Here are my mother and brothers” - blood may be thicker than water, but the blood of Jesus is thicker still.
Keep on shining. I know it’s hard - I’m the same “internal” kind of person. Thanks so much for sharing your testimony.
Also, gswd mentioned Way of the Master. Very good tool. Our church did it as a class, but I hate to say i was too shy to try it with strangers or even people i know.
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