As has been the case lately, days pass and I can’t hardly make enough sense of them to jot them down online. Beyond a rash of busy-ness offline, I’m again struggling with my ability to speak, to blog, to write. It takes force of will to type, right now, but I feel the need so strongly that I do so, even though it causes me pain.

I’ve gone through a lot of phases of personal growth this year. I’m almost at the eight-month mark in my depression treatment. I think my weight and I have called it a draw, regrouped, and I’m preparing to fight it again. (At least, I was until I started coming down with Johan’s cold this evening. >>; ) I’m making progress in breaking lifelong behavioral patterns, but it’s all hard, hard work. I struggle a lot with feeling “wrong” all the time, being incorrect, being “bad”. It’s hard to see things positively when I constantly feel I’m “in trouble” or being “punished” (none of which is the case.)

I feel like life is challenging me in every way possible, all at once. I cling to the Lord in the hopes that it’ll all make sense and be a bit easier at some point in the future. I’m glad He knows what He’s doing, because I sure as heck don’t..!

I spent a while contemplating my weight today, coming to the general realization of the shape of my body, how exactly I hide the weight, how I look if I’m not hiding it, and what I’d like to look like eventually (basically, not like I do now.) I took a longer walk than I have in months, kept an eye on what I was eating, and didn’t snack. (It was all going so well until I started coming down with this cold. Bah.)

I know my self-confidence hinges very much on the weight issue. I’m never going to feel good about myself unless I do something about this. It can only be me that changes my lifestyle and habits. Nobody else can do it for me.

Life, writing, work… sites… nothing much else matters if I can’t get my head on straight. [sigh]