A lot of my self-confidence issues spring from my habit of allowing my every mistake, misstep and error to call the entire core of my being into question. I made this mistake, am I a bad person now? This decision went wrong, am I bad? I readily admit how very bad, how very wrong and misguided this is. But I still did it. I could never believe that I had any redeeming qualities about myself, that there was anything of value worth saving.

Before I go further, before I get a slew of protests in the comments — yes, I know I’m of value and have at least two or three redeeming qualities. Okay, more than three. A lot more than three. Whatever.

Friday I went to tea with Lenneth, and we discussed this, my confidence issues in general. I know I need confidence, and by all rights, I should have some, at least, a little. We talked about this and other issues I’m dealing with, things J is dealing with, and it was a beneficial, necessary chat, although not as enjoyable as other teas we’ve had.

I can’t pinpoint the exact subject, the exact mistake, the exact moment when I had this revelation. All I can say is that it was around Friday, around this tea. All I can describe is the sensation. The sound, if you will.

When I made a mistake and started questioning my core personality, every self-criticism I had, every fault I highlighted, every imperfection I noticed, sounded like a pickax digging into earth — digging away at a wall or a foundation, crumbling away at every stroke. Nothing was solid enough to resist, nothing would deflect it. The other day, as I said, I don’t remember what I was beating myself about, why, when. But when the blow fell, instead of crumbling, I heard a resounding, singing clang of metal against metal — the sound of a hammer striking something pure and solid, refined and hardened. I imagine that this is what gold would sound like, if you struck it (were it not so malleable.)

In short, I found myself. I don’t know how far the solid part goes. I’m feeling along for the edges, I’m trying to determine the shape of me, the substance, the imperfections. But I found something inside me that won’t crumble, and I’m doing my best to see that more of me follows suit.