I think the single greatest difficulty with all of this personal growth is the roller-coaster aspect. I’m up, I’m down. I’m way up. I’m upside-down under my desk, I’m falling out of my seat, the restraints are failing, and then I’m up again. Some days are far easier dealt with than others. Yesterday was one of the others.

Since the experience I described here, I’ve had a better time fighting off the urge to self-criticize, stopping myself when I start bagging on myself. Other than that, I’ve tried to let go and let God do what He’s going to do. Looking back, I can already see significant progress, I can see that I’m changing, my habits are improving, my attitudes are adjusting. Dare I say it, I’m starting to be more sensitive to the needs of those around me. I have a long way to go, but I definitely see improvement already.

All that being said, yesterday I had a plummeting crash, sobbing over my desk and despairing of ever getting out of this painful, agonizing season of growth. At times, the pain is too much to bear; deep down I knew I was still harboring some resentment toward the situation that wasn’t justified, necessary or faithful. Johan patiently listened to me whinge, and sent me off to read and pray in the late afternoon, which really helped a lot. I was able to bring myself back up, do some housework and spend a cheerful evening at Lenneth’s with Johan, eating a late supper (even by French standards.)

I go down. I come up. I’m in a dunk tank.